Time to Bring that Wall Down
By Ellie Moussalli
“If your heart is broken, you’ll find God right there; if you’re kicked in the gut, he’ll help you catch your breath.”
Psalm 34:18 (MSG)
“God, I need Andrea! Please, please send Andrea!”
Tears were streaming down my face as my heart flooded with fear and pain. I felt spiritually exposed – vulnerable to a degree I hadn’t felt in a very long time. All I wanted was to be held by trusted friends and mamas.
It was a heart-wrenching encounter with God that I knew was coming. You know what I mean? When you feel Him touching a pressure point that you weren’t expecting to feel pain. Only in my case, I felt numb – like when you’ve been sitting on your leg for too long and it falls asleep.
I was staffing a six-week media-intensive school with a ministry in Los Angeles, for the second time in 2018. We were training people from around the world in three designated areas of the entertainment industry; film, acting, and music.
All of us on the team were running back and forth for supplies, sitting on the floor of the admin room figuring out tuition payments and budgeting the finances for special parties like a Fourth of July BBQ, and coordinating car rides for the film track student projects. Then adding in the ministry aspect, sometimes leading students through deliverance… it was a lot for all of us. Though I was able to keep up in the beginning, by week four, I had reached a mental and spiritual limit.
One day, I was taking photos during a morning worship session and paused to receive from the Holy Spirit. Slowly I began sharing my heart more and more. “I know that my capacity to give to these students isn’t big enough and I don’t know what I need to do to change that.” I instantly saw a picture of a small river that flowed from the bottom of a dam. I then heard God whisper, “I want to give you more. But you have to lower that wall first.”
It was a wall of isolation that I happily labeled self-reliant. “I can do it myself, so I will. I can handle this problem alone. Sure my family went through a traumatic experience a few months ago, but I’m ok. I don’t want to talk about it and I don’t need to. Moving on!”
Not two minutes passed when the worship leader gave a word of knowledge, confirming what God had just spoken to me. That was when I whispered a vulnerable prayer, “I need these walls that I’ve built to come down. I can’t do this alone. Would you help me bring them down just a little bit more, Jesus? I have to have more of you. I can’t do this alone.”
As I began reflecting on the things that had happened the previous year, I also allowed Jesus to comfort me. The more I let Him in, the more I cried. That circulation I had been restricting for so long was beginning to flow again. Like a leg that’s fallen asleep, when it starts to wake up, there’s pain before you can walk on it. I laid down on a row of chairs, silently wept as He performed heart surgery, as I begged him to send Andrea.
She was a pastoral leader in the school and is one of my dearest friends. We joke together about being on the same prophetic frequency when it comes to being at the right place for each other and having the right word to share. This was one of those moments. She was on the other side of the room when the Holy Spirit told her to find me and when she did, she simply held me and prayed.
God designed us to have a great capacity to give and receive. He made our bodies physical temples where the Holy Spirit dwells! And yet we weren’t designed to be alone.
What areas of your heart have you put up walls between you and others? Between you and God? Are you willing to bring them down today, even just a little bit?
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