No God No! Not my Child!
by Anna Snow
For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11 (NKJV)
Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light. Matthew 11:28-30 (NKJV)
Yet when holy lovers of God cry out to him with all their hearts, the Lord will hear them and come to rescue them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to all whose hearts are crushed by pain, and he is always ready to restore the repentant one. Even when bad things happen to the good and godly ones, the Lord will save them and not let them be defeated
by what they face. Psalm 34:17-19 (TPV)
I was not living the way God had intended for me to live; I was in my addiction and the people who were in my life were also addicts. I thought I was a good mother, but I was not.
In March of 2004, I heard Holy Spirit say, “Lay down with him (Caleb, my four-year-old son).” I knew with everything in me, if I did not lay down with him at that moment, I would never be able to again. In obedience, I laid down with him.
I asked my friend if she would wake me up if he woke up before me, or watch him until I woke up. She said, “No problem”. I trusted her, and decided to go to sleep with my son, believing that even if he woke up before me, he would be safe.
Caleb was trying very hard to stay awake, and he reminded me of the “stars”. He said, “Remember the stars mommy? Even if you can’t see me, know I am still there.” I did not understand that he supernaturally knew what was about to take place.
We both went to sleep, and a few hours later, my brother woke me up yelling, “We can’t find Caleb!” We all searched for him. But finally, I found him when Holy Spirit told me to look over the wall of my neighbor’s backyard.
As I was going over the wall, I felt angel wings wrap around me and all of heaven was holding me (and they never let me go). There was my neighbor attempting to revive Caleb next to his pool, but he was gone! I prayed and prayed that God would bring him back, but we were too late. He was already in Glory.
I couldn’t understand why my son had to die, and I became upset with God. I was devastated, and what came next was even worse – if that was possible.
I was extremely wounded from my past, even before this, but this time I blamed myself and God. I became so angry that my plans were straight from the pit of hell. But God had a plan and a purpose for me, and He stopped me every time. I had revenge and murder on my mind, but He had healing and wholeness on His.
My life spiraled down from there. For six years, I was in and out of prison, but each time I got out I was a little freer and a little saner.
I realized the only way I was going to get through losing Caleb, was to chase after God. Each time I was in prison, I cut all ties with everyone on the streets and pressed in to learning more about God. The last time I got out, but still in my addiction, I had a dream that my son couldn’t find me anywhere. I knew then that if I didn’t get right with God, I would never see him again.
Shortly after, my little brother called and told me he was clean and living for Jesus. I left California and all the bad influences there, headed home, and stopped using. It has now been 7 years since I told God that if He would just change me, and take away all my pain, I would live for Him. Finally, I was able to forgive my friend and forgive myself for not being the mother that God had called me to be. I began soaking, and trusting that God really does have good things in store for me. I continue to hold on to Jeremiah 29:11.
Today I can talk about my amazing son. God has healed me so much that even on the anniversary of his death, the pain and mental images are gone. For many years I could not go swimming in a pool without seeing images of Caleb, but this year I got to swim with the KSM Team!!!
God has taken my pain and sorrow and given me joy beyond all I can imagine. I have the greatest babysitter in the universe – Jesus Christ, and I know I will see my beautiful son again in heaven.
Are you struggling through grief; have you lost a loved one?
Are you running away from God or to Him?
God has a plan for your pain. It was purchased 2000 years ago. Make a decision today, to fully commit your life to the Lord. Give God your pain and allow Him to heal you. He did it for me. He’ll do it for you.
Share with us below if you are struggling with pain, and want to make the decision today to fully commit yourself to the Lord!
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