Fasting is Hard Sometimes

Fasting is Hard Sometimes
(written while incarcerated in 2001)
by Katie Souza


“If you are tired from carrying heavy burdens, come to me I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28 (CEV)

We had services with Pastor’s Roy and Ethel today. I am doing my best to keep my mind steadfast on the Lord. I’m having a dry, ugly feeling and I feel frustrated with myself. Take the yoke, Lord. I give it to you!

“Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” Matthew 11:29 – 30 (NASB)

During 1:00 PM service, I was struggling so hard with taking my mind captive to Christ…all of the insults, attacks, and gossiping sticks in my mind, not victory.

“By this, we know love because He laid down His life for us.  And we also ought to lay down our lives for the brethren.” 1 John 3:16 (NKJV)

Today, I relaxed and had food on the grass under the tree while watching the hummingbird.

“How does God’s love abide in anyone who has the world’s goods and sees a brother or sister in need and yet refuses to help?” 1 John 3:17 (NRSV)

No work today.  The new job is a test. This is my first day off and I am fasting for the oral arguments in my appeal. At choir practice, Ms. M stripped away all of my songs!  She gave “Grace and Mercy” to Willow and “Closer to the Heart” to Missy. OK, it’s on devil!

Pastors Roy and Ethel were at Sunday service today. It was my second day of fasting and it was hard to work.

Third-day fasting and I had to start stripping the floor. I made a mistake on it and now I have to redo it! Father take away my pride and help me to be humble … it’s a repeat of the kitchen.

The fourth day of this horrible fast!

“Light dawns for the righteous, and joy for the upright in heart.” Psalm 97:11 (NRSVCE)

Ms. H didn’t call Marnie in to strip the floors; she called in Jane instead. I can feel that Marnie is hurt. I know she is afraid; she has told me how much she loves her job, because it makes her life peaceful. Oh Lord, help me to die to self! It is so hard not to protect myself and to rely on YOU to stick up for me. I should not have said anything about Marnie making the mistake!  Help Father. I need your grace.

September 11, 2001…still fasting…and today the World Trade Center and the Pentagon were attacked by terrorists that had hijacked American planes!

Work is bad. Marnie is fasting because of me just like I fasted for the women in the kitchen. Father, give me help to be honorable in my actions, not self-preserving. Lord, help! I do not want Marnie to feel the way I felt in the kitchen. Give her grace in the eyes of our bosses. Give me grace in Marnie’s eyes.

Sixth day of this horrible fast!

“For this is what the Sovereign LORD says: I myself will search and find my sheep.” Ezekiel 34:11 (NLT)

Work is bad, but I know the Father will move … help Lord! I have had no time with You during this fast, just all work! The enemy is at work, but the Father is allowing it for a reason.

Today I was told that I have been handpicked by the warden’s secretary for a job! So, I will be working co-leader and I will be a grade one. Thank you, Lord!  Please bring it to pass before the next paycheck.

(Free the captives’ scripture) “As a shepherd seeks out his flock when he is among his sheep that have been scattered, so will I seek out my sheep, and I will rescue them from all places where they have been scattered on a day of clouds and thick darkness.” Ezekiel 34:12 (ESV)

Day 7 of fasting. Today at 9:00 AM is the oral argument in 10th circuit court.

Yesterday, I worked until midnight. Today, we had to wax the visiting area floors (all the while we were fighting). The situation with Marnie came to a head while we were waxing.  Marnie sent me to the laundry at 12:25 PM. When I came back, she was gone! Rachel said that she went to get water, but I know she went to the prayer meeting! I didn’t want to do anything without Marnie being there, so I went to the prayer meeting and nobody was there.  I came back and waited. Then at 1:25 PM, the Lieutenant came back and asked me what I was doing, so I started waxing again. Marnie came in and yelled at me, “You want my job?  You are trying to take my job … you can have it!”  She went on and on, and I started crying.

“I myself will be the shepherd of my sheep, and I myself will make them-lie down (die to self), declares the Lord God.”  Ezekiel 34:15 (ESV)

We all went to prayer for the nation at 7:00 PM in the receiving barn.  I was so happy to see so many people there to pray.  Then I found out there had been gossip about the tithes … how I wasn’t giving with a joyful spirit.  I’m so sick of the smack talk! Enough!! In the name of Jesus.  First the choir (music ministry), then the job, and now the tithe program!  Get your hands off me Satan!

Have you ever been on a fast and it seemed like all hell broke out against you? How did you respond at the time? Share below.

I remember being so frustrated and wondering to myself, “Is this supposed to happen when I’m trying to give my all to God with a fast?”

Why do you think God allows us to go through these types of trials?

Short description:  In this week’s devotional, see how Katie persevered through challenges and struggle while on a fast.  Learn how to “die to self” with the tool of fasting.

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