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Fasting is Hard Sometimes

Fasting is Hard Sometimes
(written while incarcerated in 2001)
by Katie Souza


“If you are tired from carrying heavy burdens, come to me I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28 (CEV)

We had services with Pastor’s Roy and Ethel today. I am doing my best to keep my mind steadfast on the Lord. I’m having a dry, ugly feeling and I feel frustrated with myself. Take the yoke, Lord. I give it to you!

“Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” Matthew 11:29 – 30 (NASB)

During 1:00 PM service, I was struggling so hard with taking my mind captive to Christ…all of the insults, attacks, and gossiping sticks in my mind, not victory.

“By this, we know love because He laid down His life for us.  And we also ought to lay down our lives for the brethren.” 1 John 3:16 (NKJV)

Today, I relaxed and had food on the grass under the tree while watching the hummingbird.

“How does God's love abide in anyone who has the world's goods and sees a brother or sister in need and yet refuses to help?” 1 John 3:17 (NRSV)

No work today.  The new job is a test. This is my first day off and I am fasting for the oral arguments in my appeal. At choir practice, Ms. M stripped away all of my songs!  She gave “Grace and Mercy” to Willow and “Closer to the Heart” to Missy. OK, it’s on devil!

Pastors Roy and Ethel were at Sunday service today. It was my second day of fasting and it was hard to work.

Third-day fasting and I had to start stripping the floor. I made a mistake on it and now I have to redo it! Father take away my pride and help me to be humble … it's a repeat of the kitchen.

The fourth day of this horrible fast!

“Light dawns for the righteous, and joy for the upright in heart.” Psalm 97:11 (NRSVCE)

Ms. H didn't call Marnie in to strip the floors; she called in Jane instead. I can feel that Marnie is hurt. I know she is afraid; she has told me how much she loves her job, because it makes her life peaceful. Oh Lord, help me to die to self! It is so hard not to protect myself and to rely on YOU to stick up for me. I should not have said anything about Marnie making the mistake!  Help Father. I need your grace.

September 11, 2001…still fasting…and today the World Trade Center and the Pentagon were attacked by terrorists that had hijacked American planes!

Work is bad. Marnie is fasting because of me just like I fasted for the women in the kitchen. Father, give me help to be honorable in my actions, not self-preserving. Lord, help! I do not want Marnie to feel the way I felt in the kitchen. Give her grace in the eyes of our bosses. Give me grace in Marnie’s eyes.

Sixth day of this horrible fast!

“For this is what the Sovereign LORD says: I myself will search and find my sheep.” Ezekiel 34:11 (NLT)

Work is bad, but I know the Father will move … help Lord! I have had no time with You during this fast, just all work! The enemy is at work, but the Father is allowing it for a reason.

Today I was told that I have been handpicked by the warden’s secretary for a job! So, I will be working co-leader and I will be a grade one. Thank you, Lord!  Please bring it to pass before the next paycheck.

(Free the captives’ scripture) “As a shepherd seeks out his flock when he is among his sheep that have been scattered, so will I seek out my sheep, and I will rescue them from all places where they have been scattered on a day of clouds and thick darkness.” Ezekiel 34:12 (ESV)

Day 7 of fasting. Today at 9:00 AM is the oral argument in 10th circuit court.

Yesterday, I worked until midnight. Today, we had to wax the visiting area floors (all the while we were fighting). The situation with Marnie came to a head while we were waxing.  Marnie sent me to the laundry at 12:25 PM. When I came back, she was gone! Rachel said that she went to get water, but I know she went to the prayer meeting! I didn’t want to do anything without Marnie being there, so I went to the prayer meeting and nobody was there.  I came back and waited. Then at 1:25 PM, the Lieutenant came back and asked me what I was doing, so I started waxing again. Marnie came in and yelled at me, “You want my job?  You are trying to take my job … you can have it!”  She went on and on, and I started crying.

“I myself will be the shepherd of my sheep, and I myself will make them-lie down (die to self), declares the Lord God.”  Ezekiel 34:15 (ESV)

We all went to prayer for the nation at 7:00 PM in the receiving barn.  I was so happy to see so many people there to pray.  Then I found out there had been gossip about the tithes … how I wasn’t giving with a joyful spirit.  I’m so sick of the smack talk! Enough!! In the name of Jesus.  First the choir (music ministry), then the job, and now the tithe program!  Get your hands off me Satan!

Have you ever been on a fast and it seemed like all hell broke out against you? How did you respond at the time? Share below. 

I remember being so frustrated and wondering to myself, “Is this supposed to happen when I’m trying to give my all to God with a fast?”

Why do you think God allows us to go through these types of trials?


Short description:  In this week’s devotional, see how Katie persevered through challenges and struggle while on a fast.  Learn how to “die to self” with the tool of fasting.


Comments (4)
Hanny Stearns
Posted at 18:31h, 09 October Reply

After struggling with food issues for several years, the Lord brought me to live in Fl after a nasty midlife crisis. I began to eat healthy, loose weight, and spend more time with the Lord. Things were wonderful and I could see His favor and restoration all over my life. I was lined up with a man in church who God wanted me to marry and it is truly a match made in heaven for ministry together. Then we went to Africa to the church we had been assigned to partner with. I had fasted so much and thought God was continually taking food choices away because He wanted me to draw closer. It made sense. No idols. I get that. But my normal weight which should be about 125 went down to 115. Then I started getting visions and dreams at the end of last year and, heavy in January about destruction and being rebellious and all the worst possible things a Christian could possibly hear. I ended up almost dead at 98 pounds by January 19. Burning in my side when I eat and at other times and the battle has raged on. I know at times I failed tests and at other times I gave place to the devil. With a huge call on my life, it has been the worst nightmare. I have fasted so much that I got into fear that I would end up starving again like January when I almost died. People have prayed for me, and still, when I failed to obey or fast even more, it has gotten worse. I feel as though I have been fighting God, yet His Blood covered all this. Only He knows the torment we go through in a situation like this. All I can say is, we need to test the spirits and find out who is really driving us. And when it is a bad as it got for me, I am just crying out for mercy, grace and a breakthrough. One who is called to be a prophet will have fasting and a lot of prayer. When we have gotten so beaten down that we can't hear Holy Spirit clearly and have no energy to pray, all I can say is Matthew 11:28-30 like you said in this devotional. that was what the Lord showed me in the beginning of the week. And it has been the theme of our week of increase prayer meetings every night this week. No matter, we serve an awesome God. I desperately want to get to the other side of this for Jesus. Thank you for all you share. I have learned many things from your ministry. May God bless your work in Jesus Name.

Posted at 23:33h, 08 October Reply

Preach it,Pastor. One Pastor to another,we all have been tempted by the Devil. The Devil,hates Believers. We need to be in prayer more. Prayer as you well know,helps us to defeat Satan. How? When we pray,God listens to our prayers. If we tell God,we are need of his help,and we are being tempted by Satan,God with his MIGHTY POWERS,will go to work,and help us defeat the Evil One. Why is fasting so hard? One word SATAN.

Tricia Calvert
Posted at 20:09h, 08 October Reply

Thanks for sharing. You have a writing gift for sure. I was captivated by the emotions and reality of being locked up on the inside and outside and the struggle to be free. I just started a fast today, so this is an appropriate read. I’ve done two 40 + day water fasts this year. One because. My dad killed himself and the other soon after because I missed God. The first few days are hard then it gets easier. It’s always easier when there is a delegate need for God.

Ruth Respert
Posted at 19:48h, 08 October Reply

thank you for this post I needed it today - the one thing that jumped at me was "but the Father is allowing it for a reason." -- I am having a rough day today. thank you for the post

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