Dying to Self!
Taken from Katie Souza’s Journals while incarcerated in 2001
by Katie Souza
In my previous devotional, I mentioned two dreams: My friend, Sherrie, had a dream that she was sitting in chapel and a lion jumped in the window! It attacked her in the throat. She punched it in the nose and it died! It came back in the window a second time and attacked her again! Then, I had a dream about Marnie. She lived in my room on Rachel’s bed. I spilled some water and was mopping it up, and she came in and removed the mattress. Underneath were all kinds of tacks that were white, red, blue, and silver. I said, “Wow, where did you get all those colorful tacks from? They are really nice. Can I have the silver ones back?” I didn’t remember the dream until I spilled some water on the floor. Then, I remembered that part of it. (When Rachel woke up, she told me that she knew something was pinching her all night. She looked down and saw that she had a tack stuck in her leg!!)
“… If any of you want to be my followers, you must forget about yourself. You must take up your cross each day and follow me.”
Luke 9:23 (CEV)
I must remember to die to self!
Today at lunchtime, I came around the corner and the entire crew, headed by Marnie, were attacking Sherrie. They were accusing her of not washing her mop out. Mr. H. had freaked everyone out (when he said he was going to fire everyone)! Shirley snapped and then apologized to Sherrie that night at dinner. As we were standing there, the crew came around the corner and attacked Sherrie and me in front of everyone! Sherrie’s dream of being attacked twice had come to pass!
Before all of this happened, I had called mom and dad and told them about my dream. Without hesitation, Mom gave me the interpretation. She said that Marnie is trying to steal the things that are more precious than silver and gold – my walk with the Lord, my joy, my peace, and my victory! The colored tacks represented the things of the world – flashy colors, worldly-gossip, etc. I noticed in the dream that I asked Marnie for those things back! God was giving us a warning about the enemy’s tactics like he did for Elisha in the Bible, so we can be prepared.
“If you want to save your life, you will destroy it…”
Luke 9:24 (CEV)
Again, die to self!!
When I came to work after 12:30 prayer and lunch, Marnie was in Mr. H’s office kissing his butt! She was buffing his office, then she came out and attacked me again. She called me Satan and all kinds of bad names; she told me she wasn’t worried about me at all. I said, “I know, you already secured your position!” Then she really got mad, and I found out that she and Agnes have had a hard time getting along in their room.
Then I was told that Miss M. was going to take away the song Grace and Mercy from me and give it to one of them.
Oh, I’m onto you now enemy. I’m three weeks away from my victory and you’re doing all that you can to derail me! I pray that all the hate, anger, jealousy, and envy that has been brought against me would turn to love.
I went to unit and 12:30 prayer. Both Sherrie and I broke our key chains. I met with Agnes, Deena, Doris, and Rozzi to plan the Christian party for this Saturday and for Bible studies on Wednesdays at 7:30 pm. We are also trying to get every other Sunday as inmate night.
In choir, we practiced Let Me Not Offend Thee.
“If you are ashamed of me and my message, the Son of Man will be ashamed of you when he comes in his glory and in the glory of his father and the holy angels.”
Luke 9:26 (CEV)
After unit prayer, I applied for a yard job with the captain, which would be from 7:30 to 10:30 AM, Monday thru Friday. Then Rita came up and told me about a job in the Warden’s complex.
“For though I am free from all men, I have made myself a servant to all, that I might win the more;”
1 Corinthians 9:19 (NKJV)
I buffed all of the dining room. I’m praying that it’s the last time ever. Please, God!
Today was the first party get-together for the English church. About 60 women came! Doris spoke. We worshiped, and talked about tithing and unity. There was just enough food for everyone. It was awesome! Our first Bible study is Wednesday at 7:00 PM! The Lord is moving! Thank you, Jesus.
I was pretty happy with the way I handled the situation with Marnie back then. I believe that the success of the party we had was a direct blessing from God for keeping my cool, and not beating Marnie to a pulp!
Instead of getting even, Katie prayed that all the hate, anger, jealousy, and envy that had been brought against her would turn to love.
Have you been able to “babysit” your soul at a time when everything in you wanted to blast someone?
Did you see an immediate blessing afterward?
If so, write and tell us your testimony!
Are you still in the process of dying to self?
What do you need to “babysit” and bring into an agreement with who God calls you to be?
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